"I have always loved you, only that I have never told you... "

2010-05-10T15:48:00.004+08:00

Monday Blues

Its a dark and stormy day today. It has been bloody raining the whole day, its making me friggin sleepy. But somehow, in a very dark corner of our office, I am being lazy typing this out, with my boss in front of me in his own cubicle. Once in a while he would come out(like 5 mins ago) and walk around the office, doing some admin stuff, making sure that we are all working hard. I am glad that I just had a san da training session in YJ, coz I am super quick in pressing alt + tab, pretending to pick up the phone to call clients when he comes out of his cubicle. All in one shot. Can't even see my own hands moving, baby.

Today just seem like one of those days where nothing seems to be getting done around here. The mood is lousy, the atmosphere is depressing, you just feel like shit and nothing seems to be moving in the right direction. Then ohhh, you realise that it is now 4pm, and you look forward to closing the day off at 5.30pm. Of course, I did do some work, but then, I knida just feel guilty for doing so much less. Is this what working adults are always talking about? Monday blues??? Hm. Never knew we could get that in a self-employed business.

Anyway, on to my job. Things seems to be easing up quite abit, not so stressful, but still always worrying about appointments. Up till today though, I still hate doing cold calls. So mostly I prefer working with referrals from clients and friends. Somehow, when a client refer people to you, there is a certain level of trust and credibility in you, and that makes things much easier to do. I suppose, thats the direction I am working todays to. Hopefully things will pick up in the coming years, though many people told me that I joined this industry a tad early. Ah well, plantings seeds is the way to go now. Reap the rewards later.

I did a mini interview for a poly project too. My cousin ask me to help his/her friend in his/her project in, I dunno, financial planning? Dun really think its that mini, coz the friend sent a sms with 8 questions. I replied backthe whole thing with 12 smses. It didn't really bothered me much, till I got my bill from Starhub. I also wondered wad kinda friend this person was. Coz he/she didn't even leave his/her name in the sms. Got a feeling that was a guy though.

On to wushu! Lately I have been interested in san da. I did learn it for a short while a few years back, but I have lost the feel of combat. Last wednesday's san da lesson brought back my interest with a huge bang. Raring to go, and I gonna enrol in Tex's san da trainings every thursday. Gonna be the next Bruce Lee manz. I dunno how many times I gonna say this, but I am really proud of how YJC Wushu people are turning out. since last year, I have been watching them progress, not just physically, but mentally too. Somehow, I got this enthusiastic feeling that next year will be a good year for them. Can't stand Kane's ambitious crap though. I think he thought he is Lee Kuan Yew or something.

Ah well, gotta end here. Boss is getting suspicious of my wing chun hands everytime he comes out of his office room. Bloody hell, its only 4.15pm.

2009-11-16T10:52:00.003+08:00

What it means to be a Financial Advisor.

You know, no matter which company you may end up with, no matter how reputable that company is, at the end of the day, it still boils down to you. That's why some Financial Advisors are highly sought after, and some advisors are totally blacklisted.

But the fact is this. If you think this job is an attractive job, you are correct. But if you only think of that and nothing else, then you are totally wrong. There's no such thing as trying out this business, or testing the waters, as they call it. When you strike a deal, you are dealing with people's money. You are dealing with their trust. Your client ENTRUST you the money to create something good out of them. If you do it good, you enhance their lives. Do it with negligence, and you are playing with their lives.

One thing that a Financial Advisor, in my opinion, should do, is to be prepared for the consequences of being an advisor. It may not be a big thing. It may not be small either, but nevertheless, if you are not prepared, then you would be in deep trouble in time to come. As an advisor, its not just being prepared to earn big bucks, or be prepared to fail and leave the industry. Its about being prepared to face whatever troubles your client might have in the future. As an advisor, you are probably going to see more sickness occuring. You are going to witness more deaths. You are going to see alot of sufferings. And if you are not prepared to handle this scenarios, then you are not prepared to be one.

Being an advisor is also not about a one-time business deal. You are the one responsible to take your client through his life. Not just a simple deal, where you let them go after awhile. You do not let your client swim alone. You do not let your client drown.

Then there's the product recommendations. And this is where it all stands. It doesn't matter how good your solution is. It doesn't matter how bad it is either. It all boils down to you; whether or not you sincerely feel that this solution will benefit your client greatly. Whether or not you sincerely feel that this is the best you can offer to your clients. And it doesn't matter which company you are in. Because if you are sincere to your clients, if you are honest with them, and if you are committed to them, then they will be willing to put their lives onto your hands. To conclude, clients are not stupid people. In today's world, consumers are more concerned about what a person is worth, rather than what he can offer.

How you want to view this job as, whether is it a profession, or whether it's merely just another salesman job, is really up to you to decide.

If you are always wrestling with questions on how could your proposed portfolio benefit your client every single night, then you are running a consultancy agency; you are running a quality business. But if you only care about how much you can earn being a financial adivsor, then damn manz. You are merely a salesman.

All in a day's rant of a life of a Financial Advisor

2009-09-13T12:32:00.002+08:00

What does it mean to live as a Human? Lately I have been asking myself that question. Its not about spending your days, doing what you have to do, to survive. Nor is it about slogging your days ahead, hoping to be successful one day. And, its also not about spending days trying to be a good person, hoping to recieve good karma for that.

In fact, life as a human, is everything. We live in worries. We live in fear, we live in happiness, drown ourselves in sorrow, celebrate our victories with friends and loved ones. When push comes to shove, we are capable of banding together to face the threat. Life as a human being, embraces everything. Life as a human, is also nothing. Life comes and goes. Every one of us is just one insignificant, dispensable living thing. When we die, some other human replaces us. When we die, not very human being on this planet is gonna weep for us anyway. Well, heck. Its about how you want to view life as I suppose.

And I suppose, each and every one of us on this planet, have unique ways on dealing with life. On how we live each and every day. Some of us like to procrastinate. Always sit on ideas. Never getting off our asses til its too late to do anything. Some of us are spontaneous people. We do things on the impulse. And heck, some actions are gonna lead us to a whole lot of trouble, but who cares. And some of us, are meticulous planners. We plan and plan and plan, always tweaking our plans, everything is about going according to plans, and what the hell, why do we always plan for the long term, and not short term? And some of us, are momentum followers. We observe the flow of things, and always follow the ideas and cultures that are currently fashionable. In short, we are nomads. Mentally of course. Well, physically too, if you want. Whatever makes you happy.

In fact, there are so many ways that we can hold ourselves by, that it is impossible to list them all here. If I did, I probably would not be able to complete this post anyway. But this is a fact. Different people have very different ways of doing things. No two humans are the same, and no two actions are exactly the same. Even if both of them are just opening the same can of coke. And that is how, I suppose, we should live as a human being. There's no point trying to copy a role model. And seriously, there's no point trying to copy whatever gadgets, or whatever apparels a celebrity is wearing anyway. Coz that's not you. Your friends are going to notice that change straight away. And they may or may not like it. And then you may or may not become the new celebrity. For all the wrong reasons. Have you ever seen a situation where a celebrity paste on a doraemon tattoo on his body, and everybody is freaking out coz they thought that was cool, and when someone else did the same thing, he gets the opposite?

See, the thing is, no matter how much you try to copy a "role model", you can never feel right, because you are trying to live the way your role model view his or her life as. He might feel that life is a place full of opportunities, but you may feel that life is unfair, for example. And because all his actions are going to based on his take on life, you will never feel at ease because you are gonna disagree, mentally, with almost everything he does. Heck, even a twin brother might feel that his brother is an asshole. Well, unless he himself is an asshole.

So what does it mean to live as a human? This question, I suspect, would also be unique to everyone. In fact, I even think that we will never have a definite answer for ourselves, because people change. People change over time. And our ideas will also change along our lives. Only thing is that this change is gradual. I suppose, it would be something like philsophy. Not everybody would understand what the hell is the writer talking about, except the writer himself. And then a few years later he would write another article, and same thing, everyone except himself would not understand the gibberish. Only this time, the writer might not even understand why the hell he wrote the previous article at all. Well, of course, the idea might be simple. Just be yourself. But I suppose, in reality, its gonna suck bad just trying to do just that. First of, we will have to contend with laws. Then there are the invisible cultural laws. The kind whereby you can't see it, but you get to enjoy the consequences of breaking said laws. Then there are also family laws. The kind where you get to see it, you get to feel it, and you hate to follow it. Because they will record the laws on cd and play it to you everyday. So, ah well, there goes our freedom of expression. But well, as human beings, we have an ability to get around by loopholes. So there.

I always liked this quote. "Where is the freedom when you are doing what you feel is right? Nobody chooses the wrong. It is the uncertainty that sets you free." It doesn't mean that you have to break laws. It merely means that sometimes, right and wrong are subjective. No 2 persons will agree on the same definition. And there are times whereby you have to act on what YOU feel is right to yourself. Because if we wrestle with every question that society throws at us, nobody is gonna do anything. And there's also nothing to fear, because in the end, you are just acting on your behalf. You true self. And that's the power of a human being. We are able to make independent decisions in times where we really need it. Decisions based on self-knowledge, backed by our own beliefs, our own uncertainties.

Well, anyone who had actually bothered to read this to the end, or was even foolish to read it to begin with, I applaud you. Because you read through everything even though you didnt understand what am I talking about. I also pity you, because there are no defintite answers to this question anyway. But let me just rattle your brain abit more, by leabing you with a quote: "When you start to become who you really are, you realise that there's nothing to fear. You don't have to know what you are. All you have to do, is choose, and act." And don't bother wrestling with question whether or not your choices are wrong or right. Because time doesn't flow backwards. Good day.

2009-07-08T13:59:00.002+08:00

A chance meeting yesterday, and I have sort of looked forward to it. However, what I didn't expect was the strangeness that has crept in after so long. It was like there's no recognition at all, being so polite when it should not have been. Its like familiarity in its strangeness, more of an acknowledgement, rather than reunion. I suppose, its probably time to really let go, and look on ahead... Time have not done any good at all, and instead, further pulling open a gap that has been there for a long time already. Just like a boat drifting away from the shores, embarking on a long long journey, not even turning its head back once. Haiz... So sianz. Sort of reminds me of my past, when I always gave up at the most crucial moment, always giving the excuse of what will be, will always be. Haha.. Look where that have brought me to. Sometimes I wonder, did I really grow stronger? Or have I in fact become alienated from my inner self? Have I become a stationary stone, when I should have become the stream of running water? Have I really lost my way... when I should have at last found the hidden road in the jungle?

Sometimes, it really feels frustrating when you have really tried so hard, but nothing seems to be going the way you wanted. Sometimes, I really want to withdraw myself. Let myself drown. Heck care about everything. I thought I have found my path recently. Turns out it leads to another ravine in the jungle. And my chance meeting. It's just another slap on my face I suppose. What the hell was I thinking.. Heck, I keep telling myself to let go for the past 2 years. Turns out that I still harboured some of it deep down inside me. Ahahahaa... Screwed up myself there, didn't I? Haha... guess its back to the drawing board, then. Damn this pragmatic world we live in.

Sorry if this post seems too emo for your liking. Just like a woman having her pms every month, sometimes a guy also have to vent out all his frustrations too. Ah. I do feel better suddenly. Hahahahahahaa.....

2009-07-02T18:37:00.001+08:00

Hm.... Been officially working for about a month already. Its really not an easy job, there are so many obstacles, and there are so many setbacks. I have already faced countless rejections already in just one month. Sometimes, it feels so frustrating, when you just can't seem to get anything right, and sometimes, you feel like you are getting nowhere. But somehow, I always feel that its kinda rewarding and meaningful too, when you see that the people you managed to talk to becomes interested, and some even become aware of what we do and realise the importance of it. I suppose, its these small little things that keeps me going, to remind me that my decision to enter this line of work is the right one. I am helping people, and I find that pretty meaningful. I may not be able to help all, but I already feel proud that at least I can help as many as I can..

Haha, I guess most people are always scepticle about what we do, or are simply not interested. What to do? Guess I have to slowly push these guys, and perservere. Sincerity, I believe, will evetually win them over ba. I do have to admit, this job is quite fun! Haha, though the presentations I give are just like JC project work again, but at least I learn alot from my mentor. Ah well, guess I will be making my calls again

2009-04-08T22:41:00.003+08:00

Oh ho ho. I finally changed my blog song already! The title is "Always on My Mind", and it was sing by Michael Buble. However, I do not know who's the real composer and original singer of this song. But what I do know, it is a sweet song. Kinda what I am feeling lately. Always had someone on my mind, but unlike this song, I have never made it known, and probably going to stay that way for a damn long time. Haha...

I just realised something about myself today. I realised I am not a good conversant. I don't think I ever talked so much to other people, not because I didn't want to, but I am always stuck about what to say. Well, I guess this usually ends up in akward silence between me and others. Haha... how to get a girlfriend liddat? I am already 21, soon to be 22 in a few months' time. Haiz, probably a bad habit accumulated since young. Well, I have to admit though, army did changed me, in that I am more open to people around me nowadays, but somehow I am still not good at conversing. Haha... I also realised that I always liked to act cool in front of other people.

Today's wushu training at YJC also made me realise something else. Something Joleena said... Something about generation gap? Well, it suddenly just dawned on me: I am already 21 years old. Haha! Imagine that? Somehow, being 21 just pulls you back to earth with a rude shock. I'm 21, and where am I now? True, 21 is probably the age where people starts their first steps towards their goals and dreams, and its probably something worth looking forward to, but to have someone who's barely out of their teens say that to you, well, its a whole new meaning altogether. When I see my new wushu juniors training and slogging out in their studies, it kinda reminds you that we have already passed on that stage of life, and on to something bigger. Its like nostalgia, something that wishes that you are back to relive those memories, but its no longer there anymore. I suppose, sooner or later, everyone grows up, whether they like it or not. And I suppose, too, that part of growing up also involves learning that everything changes, and nothing ever changes back.

Haha! I write as if I am so old liddat. Gotta have to learn to relac one corner. So, to anybody kaypo enough to read this, learn to cherish your childhood. You only have one go at this. And spend less time on the friggin computer screen. Or the Television. Or the PSP. Go live your life to the fullest. Godamnit. I am 21.

2009-04-08T13:51:00.002+08:00

It has been a series of good news recently. First of: I have been certified by the doctor that there's no problems with my heart!! Yay! Second, I have finally completed the 4 modules required for me to get my license as a Financial Consultant! Double Yay! So far, things have been going smoothly for me. Haha, I hope it continues on that way. Gotta thank my parents for their support they have given me the past few months. Through all the uncertainties, the worries, for helping me get past this 'health' issue, and for giving me confidence to complete the 4 modules. It wasn't easy for them too, through this reccession, besides financially, and for them having to worry about me as well. Don't worry, I will not let your efforts go to waste. No matter what, I will presevere and not let you down. Time to move on to stage 2 of my plans. Hm... Now that I know there's nothing wrong with me, its also time for me to start training again. Time for me to regain my stamina, increase my physical fitness, and if time allows, start on wushu training again. I missed jumping up and down again. lol... I AM BACK! HieroX out.

2009-03-07T21:27:00.002+08:00

Thought of 2 things today. The first was in the afternoon. Went to YJC to help shifu in training the new juniors in preparation for the inter-school competitions. Met a prick who wasn't serious in training, and having that resistance-to-all-input kinda attitude. Had a super hard time trying to change all his bad habits. Got fucked by Shifu later, and he still wasn't happy. But I could see that he's afriad of shifu. So somehow, with this superb brain of mine, *hint hint*I came up with something that goes like this: People with too much pride are by far the easiest to break. That's because they hardly ever are prepared, or even aware, of anything that is in store for them. The second thought came to me in the evening. However, its some random thought, no involvement of any incident of any kind. Individuals like to rate their success based on their process towards goals. People, however, like to rate other peoples' success, by the end result of that process. Dunno if anyone have thought of it before, but, what the hell.

Oh. An update. my fren juz sent me this youtube link. It's about this super metro(or issit feminine?) korean guy singing some english songs. I watched it and I couldn't stop laughing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfwzpHeKTtk&feature=related
and if you are really laughing as much as I am right now, here's another one that gonna make you howl. It gets much better at the middle.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBDoIn3BcbY
Enjoy, you sick, loathing bastards.

2009-02-22T23:56:00.002+08:00

Hm. Been long since I last blogged.I suppose most people would have probably forgotten about this blog le. Lol! Anyway, yep. Have ORDed for about 3 months already. I realised that I didn't even require any civilian conversion course, as I immediately snapped right back into civilian life. Well, apart from having some nightmares of being back with the greens in my dreams(pardon the rhyming), and toking to most of my friends with army terminologies, hm.. I dare say Im back on track with my life-long master plan. Well not exactly, but at least a part of my master plan is still intact. I have changed my long term goals and aspirations to something more practical. In the past, I wanted to become a pianist. Or a composer, or a performer. Well, it was quite vague anyway. Now, thanks to my dad's friend, Freddy Sim, I wanna be a millionaire. LOL talk about vagueness.. Oh, well, at least its a dream worth working for. Because of Freddy Sim, I have decided to join his company, working as a Financial Advisor Representative. But first, I would have to get my FAR license, which requires me to pass 4 modules. So far, I have passed 1 module. 1 down, 3 more to go. Haha. I am also studying at SIM part time now, taking a course called Multimedia Design and Technology. Hopefully it would also secure me a future in the gaming/animation industry, should I want to pursue my personal goals in the future. Hm, at least this newly devised master plan is more solid than my previous one. lol.. During the past 3 months I have been catching up with old friends. Friends like Kenneth Chong, Jia Hui, Isaac, some of the wushu gang ppl.. Maybe I should hold a BBQ for the 221 classmates soon. Heck, it was cool hearing that Ah Gui and Wei Cai are getting married manz. I wish them happiness for the next stage of their lives! Hm.. time to get my driving license soon, b4 I lose my skills. Oh yea, realised that my blog song has been repeating for the past year. Time to change to a new song. When I have the time. lol. HieroX out.

2008-10-31T12:16:00.003+08:00

I am going to O. R. D. In what? 12 days time? Whee. And my application for the Multimedia and 3D design degree course has been approved. Double whee. I'm most probably one of the happiest bunch of people right now, acting as if we have all been released from prison. Ah well, NS isn't really that bad after all. You get to do all sorts of crap and still get away with it. Haha! jkjk.. But really, the first day you entered NS, you are really just a child. But once you leave NS, you would realise that now you see things in a very different light. You have ur own perspectives, but at the same time, you are open to all views. Haha.. its very...hm....how should I put it? Enlightening? lol. Anyway, just came back from Taiwan, really had a great time there. Will be posting some pics on facebook soon. Haha. Hm.. so much had happened in the past few months. Our Unit had really come a long, long way. In a sense, I'm glad to be part of this whole process. Very humbling indeed. And.. unfortunately for me, the past seems to have surfaced to haunt me again. Ah well, guess I just have to wait for the cardio report... *Cross fingers* Ah, fuck that shit. I'm gonna enjoy myself. ORD LOH!!!

2008-05-19T20:28:00.002+08:00

I...dunno... what to say.... Feeling super emo lately... Perhaps....I am going through the toughest point of my life now...? Haiz.... My mood feels the same as the song that is playing now. That...kinda sucks...

2008-04-20T09:29:00.002+08:00

hm... Right now my whole body is aching from wushu training yesterday. Felt like crap when I woke up. lol... Have not been going regularly for training lately. I think my skills have been degrading for a long time. Couldn't kick fast enough, couldn't punch hard enough, and my movements are getting too stiff for my liking. And I suspect that I won't be able to train consistently again for the next few months, because of commitments to ns. Ahahaha....fuked up. So sad, gonna have to miss both the National and Zhou Jia competitions. Arghhhh! Guess I better train on my flexibility then...

2008-04-01T17:57:00.002+08:00

In a blink of an eye, its 1st of April already. Unaware, a year and 3 months have past since I enlisted. With 7 more months to go before I ORD, I longed to have my old life back. Sometimes even impatiently. I want my freedom back. I want my lost friendships back. I want my personal life back. Haha... unfortunately, there's still 7 more months to go. =S Ah well, its not as if NS have been all that bad anyway. If there's any phrase that would describe my NS life, it would be this: "Its memorable and fun enough that makes it worth going it through once. Just ONCE." I never thought I would say this, but NS really makes a boy grow into a man, despite thinking of this as so cliche... Haha! Well, the experience is only good if you take up the courage to walk through this difficult yet rewarding path. I personally believe that at the end of my NS service, I will be having a different outlook on life. It may not be all that positive, but it would be an perspective that is more matured. Thats all that matters. Anyway, heard from Ronnie that YJ wushu will be starting their competitions tomorrow onwards. Although I regret that I wouldn't be able to make it to watch them compete, I sincerely wish them all the best. Don't let us down manz! =D Omg... How I missed all my friends! I hope all of them are doing well! Perhaps we should all have a gathering some time in the future... And you.. who are so far, far away.. I pray that you are safe and sound. I hope one day I would be happy to hear that you have succeeded in your goals. Though I will never admit it to anyone! Haha... Time to go catch Mas Selamat... Bloody bugger.

2008-02-07T13:39:00.000+08:00

Hm... A new year has come, its has been a great year for 2007, I hope that 2008 will be a much better year! I wish everybody a very happy chinese new year! May all of you have a prosperous year ahead, may you all have happiness, good luck, and good health! Enjoy yourselves this week!

2007-12-24T11:19:00.000+08:00

So Close

You're in my arms
And all the world is gone
The music playing on
For only two
So close together

And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye
And never knew
So close was waiting
Waiting here with you
And now, forever, I know
All that I want is to hold you
So close

So close to reaching
That famous happy ending
Almost believing
This one's not pretending
Now you're beside me
And look how far we've come
So far
We are
So close...

Oh, how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?

We're so close to reaching
That famous happy ending
Almost believing
This one's not pretending
Let's go on dreaming
Though we know we are
So close
So close, and still
So far...

2007-12-23T12:10:00.000+08:00

hm. Juz realised I have not posted anything for a long, long time. Wow. Muz have been quite busy this few months.. Haha! Anyway, now that I managed to squeeze in some time blogging, I realised(now) that I have nothing much to say. lol... During the past few months..So many things have happened, so many days I find myself withdrawn, as if I have spun a cocoon around myself, blocking input from the people and events happening around me. And... I realised I have lost so much of myself in the past, I am no longer participating in the present. I hardly meet up with frens, I have lost touch with alot of people. It feels as if I am reborn. alone. haha... I suppose I had let my emotions govern me too much already.. But all this is gonna change. I am finally out of this imaginary shell. And I am not going back in. Time to go out and get back what belongs to me. Oh ya btw. National Treasure 2 is damn nice. Go watch it if you haven't.

2007-09-13T12:18:00.000+08:00

I feel...lost. I feel...alone... I missed her already....

2007-08-07T13:53:00.000+08:00

Jet Li's views on parental Gratitude. For transcrips, go to jetli.com

2007-08-07T10:49:00.000+08:00

Its been quite a while since I last blogged... Well, have been quite busy with army and the nationals... ok, just some updates, I will be flying off to Taiwan for the next 3 weeks, and so would not be contactable... haiz damn sianz... Sick of flying around the world. haha... On a brighter note, I got 2nd for the Wushu Natioanl Competitions, that oughta account for something this year.. =) Joint effort by me and Ronnie. Muahha. There's one person I gotta thank though.. and thats Shifu. Without him, we probably wouldnt make it to 2nd place... haha... and he's one of the few people that I have really respected in my whole life, apart from my parents of course... haha! Then of course, without Ronnie we probably wouldn't win too, coz he and I are the only dui lian team that couldn't be bothered if we whacked each other to death. Realistic combat eh, Ronnie? Haha... Again, the same old story, I have learnt alot from this competition, team work and stuff, moral support... But there's one more thing I learnt this time. I missed my old life. I missed competing with my wushu mates. I missed all the laughter, joys, dissapointments, excitement that comes with it. When I stepped onto the carpet, I realised that I have left all these far behind. It has been what? more than a year? haha... But I also realised that I am no longer who I used to be. I am humbled, now, mentally calmer, more easy going than before. And I do not yearn to impress, or show off, but to prove myself that anything is possible, and to express myself wholeheartedly. I wouldn't say that I don't compete to win a medal; who doesn't?? It still is, just a bonus if you compete well. And seeing my friends competing, I would say that everybody has changed, one way or another.. hm... and I see happiness in some of them as well... Haha! Aw shucks. I am so damn proud of them. =P

2007-06-24T20:38:00.000+08:00

"There are times when the end justifies the means. But when you build an argument based on a whole series of such times, you may find that you have just constructed an entire philosophy of evil."- Luke Skywalker, Jedi Grand Master

2007-05-01T19:07:00.000+08:00

I have nothing much to say. I only wonder... How much more of this shit do I have to endure? Week after week has passed, and each time a week passed I feel even more down... Sigh... A fucked up life I am having now...

2007-04-01T09:27:00.000+08:00

I am no longer whom I used to be... I am no longer as certain as I used to be, or as strong as I once thought myself to be... Everything seems to be in a standstill for me, and though I made it a point that nothing is an obstacle, unless I made it so, I can't help but feel whether I have been making the right decisions at all in my entire life.... Haiz... Juz becoz of one incident... One incident that changed the whole outlook of my life... That simply turned my whole life upside down... Is that what I really am now? Someone resigned to his own fate..? I have no idea what to think. Ah well... I guess part of growing up involves learning that everything changes. And that some changes are permanent. That nothing ever changes back... Juz came back from SISPEC yesterday, and I couldn't express enough how much I missed home. In fact, I missed everything that I had left behind. If there's any good in army training, it teaches you not to take anything for granted. Some things, when its there everytime, you don't really cherish it, until the day you realised that it has drifted far beyond your reach. In the whole course of my life, I have made many mistakes, some really regrettable ones, but I never learnt from them, thinking that it would not happen again. I guess I was wrong. Some of the past mistakes I made are finally coming back to haunt me, somehow chiding me that time has not really made me into a better person. I am still where I was when I started. Mistakes like finding faults with my brother, till the point now that he and I hardly talk, not cherishing the music lessons that I had, and many others... If given the chance to turn back time... ah what the hell, like its gonna happen anyway...

2007-03-23T10:35:00.000+08:00

Hm... posted to SISPEC. Wow.

2007-03-15T11:12:00.000+08:00

Time passes at the blink of an eye. To think that I have just finished BMT just yesterday... When it feels like I juz enlisted not too long ago. Now we have 12 days of rest. 12 days to relax, to contemplate on our future. For me, I feel like a lost soul now. What the hell am I gonna do after NS? After bombing myself in A lvls, I seriously have no idea. I guess... JC life isn't for me la.. Too bad I took too long to realise that. Maybe, these 12 days will give me some time to calm down, and think clearly on how to proceed on in life la. But I know for sure, it would be a long and difficult journey ahead of me la... But I will move on, one way or another. I will never allow such things to hinder me. Haha... But I wouldnt say I regretted staying in YJC... Coz its filled my wonderful memories of frens and events that I will never forget. If I were to say I regret, it would meant that I regretted having these memories and frens. haha. Ok la i am crapping le...

2007-02-18T10:35:00.000+08:00

Open Arms

Lying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mine
Softly you whisper, you're so sincere
How could our love be so blind

We sailed on together
We've drifted apart
And here you are by my side

So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me...
Open arms

Living without you, living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you, wanting you near
How much I wanted you home
But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay

So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with open arms
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me...
Open arms

-Journey

2007-02-17T00:45:00.000+08:00

I am home... Finally. And I will cherish every moment of freedom I have. Before I have to go back to the resort. So glad to hear from u guys again...

2007-02-10T08:06:00.000+08:00

Hm. Back home in mainland after a 1 month stay on Tekong island. And I am very happy to see my parents again. My bed, my piano, my room. Manz, I juz missed them terribly! haha... Dunno wad to say la... Having mixed emotions now, dunno what to feel exactly now. Haiz....gotta book in tonite again. Feel so reluctant to go back into Tekong again... hm. gtg

2007-01-10T23:43:00.000+08:00

hm.... The day of reckoning is coming very soon... In just another... 2 days. Crap. I gonna miss my hair. I gonna miss civilian life I think. I gonna miss my weekly allowance, though my army pay would be much higher. I hope. And I gonna miss lazing around at home, and laughing at all those people who still had to go to school to study. HAHAHAHA. I gonna miss sleeping and waking up late, and I gonna miss my mom's delicious cakes, and my dad's car(hm no link). Lets welcome many days of tough training, many days of joys and sorrows, embrace pain and suffering, lessons and satisfaction. Its time to welcome comrade ,and new friendship. Lets embrace food that doesn't ressemble food at all(the taste even), and embrace our wives that doesn't ressemble women either. Its time to also get muscles on our muscles..well...muscles on my bones for my case, and get really spikey hair that can only be seen through a microscope. Well... the lists just goes on and on. Anyway, b4 I get into this hell hole, I wanna thank some ppl that made my life in YJ memorable. Well! First of, the 221 peeps! Hm... Wad can I say about you guys? Guess you all are just a bunch of crazy ppl, getting on most teachers nerves, and still managing to get away with it most of the time. Noteworthy ppl like Kenneth, Jia Hui, Yuen Shein, Firdaus. Man, without u all, the class would be very dull. Well, the gals are mostly the goody two shoes, though some can still create quite a havoc. Hm. I think. And the YJ WUSHU peeps!!! Man, you guys just rock! All the times that we spent training together, sharing the same goals and aspirations, sharing the same joys and sorrows... indeed, we are one great team, and our history together will prove it. The wushu guys! ppl like Calvin, YK and Ronnie, and the 3 musketeers, nvr fail to provide entertainment during our resting periods! Something abt YK... Though he is mostly used in some of the jokes, he still takes it in his stride... Well... sry abt that, but that's the way it is now. lol! And Ronnie! My dui lian buddy. Some1 supposedly who look like me. *ugh* Continue to strive for greater heights! I look forward to Dui Lian-ing with you soon. =D And the wushu gals! ppl like ah ma, abish, jia qi, wai ting, Xin Ying... Hm...wad to say abt them? Fun to joke with and talk to. ju xu wei wu shu nu dui fa yang guang da! The YJ teachers! Thx for imparting your knowledge to us! Thanks for being our friend, and our guide to wads to be a student(???) Teachers like Ms Irene Lim, Mr William Sim, Mrs Sim Leong an meen, thank you!. hm... and the blog readers! For....reading my blog! For...reading my blog anonymously. Currently one anonymous reader comes to mind: Mr William Sim. =P Haha... There's a lot more ppl that I wanna thank la... but cant remember all of them within a short moment. No hard feelings ya? Anyway, i wanna slp le. Adieu, and gd nite

2007-01-01T00:38:00.000+08:00

On one fine sunny afternoon, I was bored enough that I decided to do some random shit online. With that idea in my head, I decided to type in my full name, juz to see wad kinda shit i will see. To my surprise, I actually appeared on the first page of the google search engine. Man, how cool can this get man?! Apparently some one used my quote I once contributed to a online group for a power point presentation, citing my full name to that quote. Like, woa? Haha! http://www.google.com.sg/search?hl=en&q=%22ang+junjie+melvin%22&meta= Guess I am going down in internet history soon. =P So peeps, if you want to become known online, do wad I do. Create original quotes. Juz do it manz.

2006-12-23T23:52:00.000+08:00

ONLY FOR LOVE

The whisper of a single verse
And loneliness spreads like a thorny bloom
The shimmer of a single dream
And my world is undone
The memory of a single touch
And your love stings with fresh poison
The fall of a single tear
And all conflict washes into a distant blur
I give you my heart with all that I am
Still you do not return
Silence the music, shatter the dream -
I shall fade quietly into
A shadow in the past
A shadow in the past...

(Original Chinese lyrics by Fan Yue Yi, English translation by Carolyn Choa and Aventurina King)

2006-12-12T23:32:00.000+08:00

A levels are over. Prom night is over. From today onwards, going to YJC to study will be far away from my mind. Though I look forward to going back to YJC to help out in Wushu. hm...After 3 long years in YJC, I realised that YJC is a place that holds many wonderful memories for me, despite the many setbacks and failures I had within this 3 years. Though I will never ever think of re-living these 3 years, I wouldn't think of them as wasted, since our memories makes, builds, mields us into what we are today. And I wouldn't have it another way. And... I know it sounds a little clitche, some might say childish, but...I will miss YJ terribly. And the ppl there of course. After all, they are the ones who made it memorable for me. Haha! You guys rock manz! And of course, I rule. Juz had a bbq at my place last Sunday with the 221 ppl. I call it a BBQ-cum-Housewarming party. Had loads of fun. And I finally got to eat my chocolate fondue. Yep, finally... However, the experience was short-lived, and the liquified shit(the melted chocolate) became a thick, solid lump of shit. Damn. But we still ate it anyway. Yum. And next time I will not invite Boon Piang. Coz she is one lazy pig. You hear that? BP? =P And whu says I am not nice eh??? Anyway, a number of ppl to thank for making this bbq quite a 'success'--Ken, for making his superb salad combo(I think)-- Amirah, for showing up with her dessert, chopping board and her trusty knife-- Ashwin, for making the mashed potatoes-- Yikuang, for crashing my party. lol--- Yang Thong and Boon Piang, for coming early, borrowing and watching my DVDs. The clouds, for urinating all over Yew Tee the same time we were having our BBQ. Right, thanks man. And finally, the 221 ppl, for coming, and eating all the free food and drinks at my expense(juz kidding =P). Otherwise, there would be too much left-over food that would be used for the next group of ppl I would be inviting for housewarming. 221, you guys(and the gals) simply rocked my world. Ya... And I still rule. =)

2006-12-06T09:28:00.000+08:00

Top: Aqilah, Ash and Amirah.

2006-12-06T09:27:00.001+08:00

Me and YK

2006-12-06T09:27:00.000+08:00

Vincent, YK, Ken, Me and Shawn

2006-12-06T09:26:00.001+08:00

Shawn, Ken, ??? and Chio Bu Chan

2006-12-06T09:26:00.000+08:00

Dui Lian Partners.

2006-12-06T09:25:00.003+08:00

Me and King

2006-12-06T09:25:00.002+08:00

Ronnie and Michelle

2006-12-06T09:25:00.001+08:00

Ken and Kai

2006-12-06T09:25:00.000+08:00

Me and Jun Yi

2006-12-06T09:23:00.000+08:00

Me and Ken punkin' away

2006-12-06T09:22:00.000+08:00

Ashwin, Amirah and Firdaus

2006-12-06T09:21:00.000+08:00

Girls act cool. Guys act cute.

2006-12-06T09:16:00.003+08:00

Me and Abish

2006-12-06T09:16:00.002+08:00

Me and Ashwin

2006-12-06T09:16:00.001+08:00

Ashwin and Fi

2006-12-06T09:16:00.000+08:00

Me and Fi

2006-12-06T09:15:00.001+08:00

Chio Bu Chan, Fi and me

2006-12-06T09:15:00.000+08:00

Prom Queen Candidates

2006-12-06T09:14:00.002+08:00

Prom King kissing the Prom Queen

2006-12-06T09:14:00.001+08:00

Prom King Candidates

2006-12-06T09:14:00.000+08:00

Me and Pinky

2006-12-06T09:13:00.001+08:00

The Girls. And 1 guy.

2006-12-06T09:13:00.000+08:00

Me and Siew Ying

2006-12-06T09:12:00.001+08:00

Me and Boon Piang

2006-12-06T09:12:00.000+08:00

Rauzan, Me, Fauzy and Kenneth

2006-11-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

A Levels are OVER!!!!! Wahahahaahaha!!!!! Its now time to enjoy the freedom that I am bestowed now.... till NS. Sianz. Still looking for prom clothes. Darn prom nite. Spent $70 on the entry fee still not enuff. Still must make me spend money on prom clothes. Sianz....$$$$$

2006-11-19T16:23:00.000+08:00

~My Home Sweet Home~Composed by Nobuo Uetmatsu

Lyrics in English and Saami

1 (Main Melody in English)
So far away from my home, sweet home
Day by day, from land to land I roam
Though told by the wind which way to go,
Oh, how I long for my home, sweet home.

2 (Main Melody in Saami)
Boaðe ruoktot alot go dan dovtat tuski
Boaðe ruoktot alot go dan dovtat vaivui
vuordà du alot
Du ruoktu vuordà du alot

3 (Main Melody in English)
Fragrant blossoms blooming far away--
Do my folks see them as I did long ago?
Are they still joyful? Are they young at heart?
Will I see them again as I did that day?

3 (Counter melody in Saami)
Bearaš, ushbat
Ruoktu, muitut
Dat ca goassige
Vajaldahtc du

4 (Main Melody in English)
How far I've come from my childhood home!
There will come a time when my troubles are gone,
And when I shall not be all alone--
Till then, I dream of my home, sweet home

4 (Counter melody in Saami)
Meahcci, càcit
Albmi, eana
Dat buot vurdet du
Dat buot vurdet du

2006-11-18T10:10:00.000+08:00

Home isn't just a place; its a state of mind. Home isn't just a place where one goes back to everyday to rest; its also an accumulation of memories. A place that holds all memories. And that, is what makes it a home. A man without memories, is a man without a home. And a man without a home, is merely a machine.

2006-11-08T07:04:00.000+08:00

I am totally drained. Physically, and mentally. Physically, because of all these bloody exams. Mentally, because of some other personal stuff. Its like everything is revealed to me at one go, with no chance for me to retreat, no chance for me to catch my own breathe. Life sucks. Full Stop.

2006-10-24T23:21:00.000+08:00

Welcome into our humble abode!

2006-10-24T23:20:00.001+08:00

Our Living room!

2006-10-24T23:20:00.000+08:00

The dining area

2006-10-24T23:19:00.001+08:00

Another shot of the living room

2006-10-24T23:19:00.000+08:00

My Piano!

2006-10-24T23:18:00.001+08:00

The hallway, connecting from the living room to our rooms

2006-10-24T23:18:00.000+08:00

The computer room. Haha in the hallway

2006-10-24T23:17:00.001+08:00

My room!!!

2006-10-24T23:17:00.000+08:00

My room!

2006-10-24T23:13:00.000+08:00

My parents' room

2006-10-24T23:12:00.000+08:00

My parents' dressing table

2006-10-24T22:23:00.000+08:00

21st October, 2006: The day that was filled with much expectations and hopefulness. Woke up very early in the morning, as there were a lot of things that had to be packed and brought over to our new home in Yew Tee. Indeed, it was a long and tiring day. And while packing my stuff... I saw many things that reminded me of the past. Things like my old bike, very old photos, and the marks that I made on the walls, and writings that were written almost everywhere... From that moment onwards, I realised that I will miss this Boon Lay home very terribly. I will miss the room that was shared both by me and my brother. I will miss the living room, that held many dinners and late night movies. And much musical entertainment form my piano. I will miss the computer room, which I had many sessions of gaming and studying. And of course, I will miss the kitchen, which was the haven for my food-oriented/loving family. haha... All the good old times... All 11 years of it. =S Today is the 24th. About 3 days after I have moved in to Windermere. And I have been missing Boon Lay alot. Never mind the fact that there are very few chio bus in my neighbourhood, but... I have been living there for 11 years after all. Its a place that will always be a part of me for a long, long time... Haha... And I am still holding on to the keys to the Boon Lay house... Kinda reluctant to give it away. Maybe next time I will drop by my old house to check it out! Wahahaa! Sigh... Miss ya... old house! *Does that sound gay??*

2006-10-15T22:14:00.000+08:00

hm... Can't really contain the excitement that I am feeling right now. In fact, it all just seems so surreal. Coz...in 6 days, starting from today, I will be moving to a new home. In Yew Tew. In a condo, called Windermere. And damn, I haven't really packed my stuff yet. Crap. Ah, never mind about those things. I just have one thing to say. I gonna miss living in Boon Lay. I gonna miss taking a train ride from boon lay all the way to Yishun. I gonna miss stepping into Jurong Point everyday after school. I gonna miss the arcade in JP. I gonna miss the 242 bus. I gonna miss seeing that chio bu at the bus stop everyday. *oops* And I gonna miss the GRC that has been taking care of our region for the past 10 years. Whoever they are. BUT--- I am looking forward to lazing around in the condo facilities everyday. I look forward to having my own room. I look forward to see how the design of my room has turned out. I look forward to having shorter train rides to school, even though I have graduated from YJC, and A lvls is just 2 weeks away. And I look forward to having a new GRC taking care of our region's well-being---and I hope to see more and chio-er chio bus daily at Yew Tee. Oh ya...I think I will miss the chewing gum that I threw out of the window. Which got stuck to the wall adjacent to our window. And that was 9 years ago. I will miss it very dearly... Oh wait--its still there. Wahaha. YEW TEE!!! HERE I COME!!!

2006-09-22T22:13:00.000+08:00

Into The West(Theme Song of Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King)

Lay down,
your sweet and weary head.
Night is falling.
You have come to journey’s end.

Sleep now,
and dream of the ones who came before.
They are calling,
from across the distant shore.

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see.
All of your fears will pass away.
Safe in my arms,
you’re only sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
All souls pass.

Hope fades,
Into the world of night.
Through shadows falling,
Out of memory and time.

Don’t say,
We have come now to the end.
White shores are calling.
You and I will meet again.
And you’ll be here in my arms,
Just sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
Grey ships pass
Into the West.

2006-09-13T22:39:00.000+08:00

I admit it. I feel alone. I finally know what's it like to be a loner. You once told me that I were a loner. I admit it. I am. But I hate being alone. No matter how aloof I seem to be, I don't want to be alone. Everytime I think of you, I feel alone. You and I... we used to talk a lot. We used to laugh together, tease one another. Now, we act as if we are strangers. Sometimes, I wondered what happened along the way... Hell, we don't even acknowledge each other sometimes. When I see you talking happily with other guys, I felt alone. When I see you in the library with your friends, I felt alone. When I was feeling really helpless, I can't help but wish you were around. Sometimes...never mind.... Nothing I say now could probably change anything. I already lost you a long time ago. Maybe you never really noticed me anyway. I chose to love you in silence, and I will face the consequences on my own. The only thing I could do now, is just to wish you the best for ur A levels, and never give up hope on yourself. I will be very happy if you do well. Perhaps, I can finally let go of my burdens now...

2006-09-04T21:02:00.000+08:00

I seriously dunno wad to feel anymore... I went back to see the doc last saturday, because I had a series of similar attacks. Somehow, the doc said that its common, and it would get lesser as time goes by. I don't know why, but I kept feeling very uneasy these few days... Hell, it keeps throwing my focus off studies. Which is bad, coz A levels is just about less than 2 months away. Know whats the worse part of it? It just proves that I am not as strong as I thought I was... Am I really that weak...? What the hell am I gonna do??? Haiz... Hope the doc is rite ba....gtg

2006-08-25T22:11:00.000+08:00

wtf manz. It nearly happened to me again yesterday. Even though I wasn't moving anywhere. Felt my limbs becoming numb. And my right fist juz clenched up. What the hell? !$!@#!@#!!! I seriously hope that nothing is really wrong with me manz. Maybe a freak incident. Played LAN with JH, ET and Ken today. Couldn't really concentrate well. And this is the second time my com screw up. Played for 3 hours straight. Felt super uneasy after that. Was damn reluctant to go straight home. And thats kinda ironic, coz everyone just loves going home to relax after a day outside. Fuck this problem of mine. Its getting on my nerves....

2006-08-15T19:21:00.000+08:00

haiz... For those who were wondering wad happened to me... I suddenly blacked out last saturday at 7pm... Kinda scary actually... I was in the kitchen drinking water from my cup. Then I suddenly felt breathless, and felt my heart slowing down. So I leaned on the wall. Then I found myself on the floor the next moment. Like what the hell? I dun even remember myself fainting and falling to the ground. Funny thing my cup wasn't broken when I saw it on the floor. So I when to see the doc. Good old doc decided to check my ECG.(think it stands for Elecro-Cardio-graph). It was then that the doc told me I had an abnormal ECG pattern. Like what the hell? I am onli 19, and my heart is abnormal? So the doc referred me to a cardiologist. Went for the check up yesterday. Did an ultrasound of my heart. Damn, I actually see my own heart beating... The results? Doc said that one of my heart valves is a little bent. But it is very mild, compared to other patients. So I dun have to worry about it. Doc said that the reason why I fainted was probably coz I had low blood pressure, and I stood up too fast from the chair. So...guess its kinda a sense of relief for me? Well and my parents too. They couldn't sleep the night I fainted... Haha, feel guilty for making them so worried... gtg.

2006-08-13T21:30:00.000+08:00

I am feeling very scared right now. Not because of A levels now. Its something more important. Something very personal. And I feel so lost. And despair. I am so afraid for my life now, I am so afraid of what might happen to me. Why the hell is this happening to me? Wtf, I am still too young for all this shit. Why?? Why me? Someone please tell me I am just being paranoid... Please...

2006-08-08T22:40:00.000+08:00

We celebrated National Day in college today. As usual, the school invited an ex-YJCian to be the GOH. This time, it is the Channel 8 news broadcaster. Well, also, as usual, the liondance team was part of the welcoming party, and I am the drummer, yet again. Haiz, wonder how the J1s are gonna survive without me as the drummer next year. =P Well anyway, went up to collect the Team CCA Distinction award, on behalf of me and Ronnie. Kinda screwed up anyway, had to ask the teachers why am I the only one getting the plague and not Ronnie too. haha... Hopefully there's one for him ba. After all, he's my dui lian partner for the competitions and performances. =) Well, this year the welcoming party did quite well. Unlike last year. In which the GOH went in the school without us noticing him. lol. After the prize presentations, the annual sports heats started. This time round, Admiralty House seems to be missing in action. There were no cheers from them, no fight in them, and half through the sport heats, the members juz slowly disappeared somewhere else. Not that I mind other houses calling us the losers though. We had no meetings, no gatherings, and no spirit la. Hell, we don't even know the cheers. Cheer for wad? Besides, all the leaders were MIA. Talk about commitment. Bull.

And... anyway, I don't know why the hell thinking of this now, but... Juz want to tell any readers here--If there is-- If you have found someone you really loved deeply, someone you would gladly give up your life for, cherish them always. Don't keep your love for them deep inside you. In the end, it only hurts you---and only you--- deeply. Cherish love. Feel it. Acknowledge it. But never ever reject or deny it. Through denial of love, you cease to be human. And denial, will eventually turn into regret. Never choose to regret... Love does not need to have regrets lingering behind...

2006-08-05T10:29:00.000+08:00

hm. Yesterday was kinda a very crappy day to me. 3 very crappy things happened to me. First of- My bloody phone showed me attitude by not transmitting sounds when ppl calls me or I call them. In other words, I can't hear anything on the recieving end. 2nd- My specs broke when a ball hit me. What the hell... So new some more... Feels damn weird wearing a broken specs la. FINALLY- My EZ link card also showed me attitude. It decided to commit suicide the moment I entered the station. WHICH MEANS, I was trapped in the station, and no way to get out at boon lay. Wtf. Can't be a coincidence rite? Hell yeah it is.

2006-07-26T21:16:00.000+08:00

I admit it. I am a coward. To think I spent years trying to figure out my emotions and understand better. To think that for years, I have been performing on stage to other people, be it piano or wushu, I can still freak out when that moment came. I admit it. I dare not get up to ask. I let fear take over me instead. Thinking back about it now, reflecting upon it... I really regret my actions. Or in this case, lack of action. Maybe I should have just not wasted any time, and just do I had to do once and for all... Now, I doubt anything can save me from this mistake. I really am a loser... Perhaps, that gives me a reason not to be defensive if people looks down on me now... And, I really face to face reality now. I had been denying it for the past few months now. I simply am not part of the class. For months, I had tried blending in with my classmates. But the more I try, the more I realise that something is lacking, either in me or them. Maybe I had some strained relations with them, maybe I deserved to be called an asshole for some things I have done, I don't really care anymore. I can't go on pretending that everything is fine anymore. Everything is wrong. I am not fine. I am not happy. I never was happy... I never was... Right now, all I wish is that I could turn back time, and just forget everything that has happened... But it's just not gonna happen, isn't it? Sigh.... Me and my crappy life.

2006-07-21T21:20:00.000+08:00

Life always have some very important obstacles to be conquered, every now and then. And each hurdle that I crossed, I became stronger. One such obstacle was the O levels. Another was my personal test-Piano. And I never did passed that hurdle. But I became stronger. I learnt to move around it, instead of taking it head on. It still hurts me deeply, but at least I am able to cope with it now. Next was my personal relationship. Well, I never passed that too, but at least time heals all wounds. Now one big obstacle faces me. This obstacle has the name 'A levels' written all over it. And for the first time in my life, I don't know how to deal with it. I feel as if I have been sucked down a really powerful black hole, and unable to find my way back. I feel so lost...There are so many things to study, and I just don't know where to start. Every time I finished revising a topic, I reflect back and realised that I am not even 1/4 way. The recent block test have just reminded me that I am not damned prepared in any way. And time is running out. Sometimes, I juz wonder why I decided to go to JC. Its so goddamn far from my house, it takes a goddamn long time to reach school. I am a bloody retainee, and I am probably the worst in class right now. I am so far behind in my tutorials, I have been failing almost every test since the day I stepped foot into yjc. Sigh... Am I really cut out for jc? I doubt so. But... Its too late to change now anyway... Nothing I can do, except to slug it out. Somehow. Know what is the worst part about all this? Letting my parents down. Betraying their hopes placed on me. Being dissapointed in me. These kinda feelings are so much worse than the experience of failing my grade 8 twice... Clearing this obstacle? Hell, its crushing me instead. Now, juz wtf did I land myself into...? Right, DEEP SHIT.

2006-07-01T12:21:00.000+08:00

Found this pic in one of my achive folders... Haha...This was part of my group's PW work. How nostalgic..

2006-06-29T22:14:00.000+08:00

Screw the block test. Chemistry made me feel irritated. Maths made me feel stupid. Biology.... well at least biology gave me a sense of hope... Though a slim one it is. Screw the tests. Screw them all. Yea...Screw them all. Now where did I put my screw driver...?

2006-06-23T16:07:00.000+08:00

Oh...Went for the mdical check up thingy already. Got into PES B. Why? Coz I am underweight. =)

2006-06-22T23:10:00.000+08:00

hm... Have been kinda busy lately, due to studies... I gonna freak out soon manz. Anyway, this is wad I have been doing for the past few weeks:

1.) NTU competition on the 10th of June. Took part in 4 events, but only won a gold in the last event, which is group Bishou. Quite dissapointing for me, though I have to admit that I wasn't prepared for this competition, especially the long weapon event. Well, too bad. At least our efforts wasn't wasted on the group event. It feels good to win a gold after 3 bloody long years. After the competition, we celebrated our success in a hawker centre that sells really good food. ***Day Navigation: Boon Lay(starting Point)--->Yishun--->NTU(In Boon Lay =/)--->Sembawang(Celebration)--->Boon Lay(finishing point)*** ~~I should have joined ODAC~~

2.) 11th June--My bdae... Celebrated my bdae with my family. Had lunch at yun nam resturant in IMM. Good food, though some of the dishes were way below expected standards. =/

3.) Wushu chalet from 12th to 14th June! Had a helluva time playing majong(The whole day) with the wushu peeps, and watching the world cup(Damn! Japan lost to Australia! ~~$$$$$~~) together for the 3 days 2 nights stay at NSRCC. Unfortunately, I fell sick on the second day. Damn!

4.) 20th june--Went for some wine appreciation thingy, organised by Vanessa. Some unexpected things happened, such as James pang seh-ing me and Tin an. Though I thought a lot of ppl pang seh-ed too. Well, nvm. At least me and Tin an made quite a number of frens with Vanessa's poly kias. People like Jackson, Alvin, Shawn, Thomas. We all drank quite alot of wine that day. Everyone drank at least 4 glasses.( I had 5) First time I drank so much wine., I felt super light headed and hot after that. People like Thomas ended up sleeping wherever they go. Had dinner as a group at Breeks. Nice food there. Though the price tags weren't very nice to look at.

5.) 21st June-- Went for an attachment thingy that my Uncle suggested. It was easy for him to set up this short attachment tprogram(1 day), since he is one of the head of the cancer research team in NUS. It was an eye-opener for me, since I got to observe how they do lab work and experiments. Saw so many different types of pipettes there. And the person in charge of me let me try out those cool pipettes. Damn! Why the school labs doesn't have them? And I saw how cancer cells look like, learnt how proteins can be seperated, and seeing my uncles initials on every damn instrument and specimens that I laid my eyes on. All in all, it is a very enriching experience for me. Though lab work could be very tedious, stressful and boring. Oh btw, did I forget to mention that the person in charge of me is a female, 24 years old, and HOT? Guess I did. Best day of my life. Wahahaaha~~~~! =P

Well, tomorrow I gotta go for the NS medical thingy. So good nite to all!

2006-06-03T09:51:00.000+08:00

In the dental room:

Doc grabs some weird looking tool, turns around, humming to himself, and sticks that freakin' thing into my mouth.

"here goes", he says. After applying some pressure, a "POP!!!" sound was heard, and something came off.
A loud "AH!" escaped from me.
"What? Does it hurt?", Doc asked me.
"Hell no, that was fun. Lets do it again."

And so the popping continues...

That's it. My braces are off. Finally, after 2 bloody long years. So there. gtg

2006-05-28T23:14:00.000+08:00

Hm... Just realised that I have not been really blogging properly these few weeks, only posting lyrics of some songs and my own rubbish. So here's one real post. Well here goes:

I woke.
I ate.(x3)
I studied. (x8/13)
I slept/stoned.(uncountable)
The End.

2006-05-25T16:40:00.000+08:00

Solitude

The rain is falling,
gently and softly.
The sounds of nature,
creating music of its own uniqueness.
What have I missed?
Love?
Happiness?
Laughter?
Harmony?
What have I really missed?

The rain is now pouring,
hard and loud.
Thunderous.
Angry.
I wandered on,
Through the moments of solitude.
Staring up to the dark sky,
I wondered.
How did I end up like this?
When will this solitude end?
When will I allow myself to love again?
I hate being alone.
I don't want to be alone...
But...
A second chance seems so far away...
So, so far away...
There's no turning back to the past,
No chance for amendments.

The rain is ebbing...
It is falling gently and softly again.
And the sounds of nature fades away.
The sky brightens, but my heart does not.
Stoned, my heart is now,
And I shall move on... Deeper.
Is this solitude?
No.
I am merely free...

Penned on 25th May, 2006.

2006-05-15T22:32:00.000+08:00

Melodies of Life

IN ENGLISH

Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life, love's lost refrain.

Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why.
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye.
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold.
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds, forever and beyond.

So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings.
In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and beyond

If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember.

2006-05-01T08:28:00.000+08:00

I am pleased to announce that, after a week of mental, and physical challenges, the National Inter-School Wushu Championships has finally ended! First of, let me congratulate those who have won medals for themselves during the competitions! You have earned it by your own efforts and hardwork! In total, the YJ wushu team has won 2 silvers, 2 bronze, and 2 4th placings! Personally, I feel that this a a great improvement over last year, in which we have won only 1 silver, and 7 4th placings. Great work guys! However, these medals are not the only thing that we have achieved. In this competition, we have learnt teamwork---The true essence of it. We have also earned something that cannot be bought or won over-Friendship and comrade. The true bonds of friendship, one which we will remember and cherish for life. Comrade, which we have earned through experiencing all the laughter, scoldings, suffering, accomplishments and dissapointments---together. We have learnt to show care and concern for one another, spurring one another to fight on, and never to give up. All these 'small' little achievements, is enough to overcome the greatest challenges that we have faced in our path. And...our medals and ranking---all pale in comparison to these lessons we have learnt. These lessons are evident especially on the final day of the competitions-The Group Events. Its the day where we finally get to fight as a team, and not as an individual. Where minds joined as one, all emotions put aside, to give our best in the competitions. Reflecting back, it just makes me feel proud of ourselves. On behalf of the YJ wushu Team, we would like to express our heartfelt gratitude to our Shifu- Mr Royce Ang, for being there when we were all in doubt, to guide us, to spur us on to greater heights. You are the BEST coach we have ever had! Thank you!!! Also, to our teachers-in-charge, Ms Teo and Mr Chua. Ms Teo for treating us Red Bull before the competitions, and Mr Chua, for giving us his moral support, and helping us to carry weapons to and fro to the competition venues(without thoughts of getting stopped by the police). Without all these people in our lives, we would probably not have made it thus far. And we would not have gotten free Red Bulls. =D Once again, congrats to all winners, and all the best!!!

2006-04-16T09:33:00.000+08:00

hm...Today seems like the calm before the storm. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating, but thats how I feel. Tomorrow would be the start of the National Inter-School Wushu Competition... And it lasts for 1 and a half weeks. Which means I am gonna miss lessons from 11am onwards. Everyday. Well this note mainly goes out to my tutors, whom which I am sure are gonna kill me, esp Mr Sim. =P Wahahaha. Jokes aside, I wonder how we would fare in the competitions. Then again... results and achievements are merely bonuses... What that really matters are the strong bonds we have forged among ours during the tiring and intense hours of training we have endured. This kind of bond, will never dissappear. The bond of friendship and comrade. At times when I was down and dissappointed, they would be there to prove that there's nothing to fear, nothing to be dissapointed about. To that, I am just grateful to be part of the Wushu team. We have Calvin, the hardworking and inspiring President of Wushu, Yi Kuang, the big brother of Wushu...Eh wait... I AM the Big Brother... He is the second biggest. =P We have Jia Qi, one who is always filled with asthmatic laughter, same goes with Abish. Btw Abish, you are not really THAT TALL. =D We have Ronnie, whom I personally feel brings in comic relief. I think. And to me, he is merely a punching bag. =P jkjk. We have Yi Hui, who always helps us win medals and such. And she will be one who we will alwasy look up to. In terms of wushu, not height. =P Lately she has been in the centre of attraction for you guys-know-what. Haha. Ah, and Choon Yew, that big sized guai lan character. Work on your ma bu manz! Others like Xin Ying, Stephanie, Wai Ting, and the 3 musketeers, Desmond, Sze Kai and Sheng Yu... Jia You! You guys can do it! Hm...I actually wanted to evalute, elaborate and give examples of you guys, but my entry is becoming too long, and I wanna sleep again. =P

Oh, one more thing... Sleep early! NO TEA!!! Yep... And drink lots of water. Well, see you guys at the competition!

2006-04-02T10:41:00.000+08:00

wth...somehow the microsoft security centre deemed my website as a phishing website... To those who don't know, phishing means the collection of private information, such as passwords or credit bank accounts. I assure that these are false, and have already sent an email to the microsoft security website. So there. grrr. To think my blog will have these kinda problems despite being created like 2 years ago.

2006-03-21T20:01:00.000+08:00

Final Fantasy X-----Yuna and Tidus

2006-03-20T20:36:00.000+08:00

I chanced upon this song while looking for Final Fantasy FMVs(Full Motion Videos).. Man, I simply fell in love with this song at first....listen?? =P Anyway, the song is in japanese, and since most of us don't understand japanese, I have found the english version of the lyrics. Enjoy! Oh btw, if you were wondering which FMV I was looking at, and want to download it, here's the link: http://bluelaguna.net/fmvinfo/ffx/672.php

Suteki da ne (Isn't it Beautiful)

IN JAPANESE

kaze ga yoseta kotoba ni
oyoida kokoro
kumo ga hakobu ashita ni
hazunda koe

tsuki ga yureru kagami ni
furueta kokoro
hoshi ga nagare koboreta
yawarakai namida

suteki da ne
futari te wo tori aruketa nara
ikitai yo
kimi no machi ie ude no naka

sono mune
karada azuke
yoi ni magire
yumemiru

kaze wa tomari kotoba wa
yasashii maboroshi
kumo wa yabure ashita wa
tooku no koe

tsuki ga nijimu kagami wo
nagareta kokoro
hoshi ga yurete koboreta
kakusenai namida

suteki da ne
futari te wo tori aruketa nara
ikitai yo
kimi no machi ie ude no naka

sono kao
sotto furete
asa ni tokeru
yumemiru

IN ENGLISH

My heart was swimming
in words gathered by the wind
My voice bounded
into a cloud-carried tomorrow

My heart trembled
in the moon-swayed mirror
Soft tears
spilled with a stream of stars

Isn't it beautiful?
If we could walk, hand in hand,
I'd want to go
to your town, your home, in your arms

I dream of being
against your chest
my body in your keeping
disappearing into the evening

Words halted by wind are
a gentle illusion
A tomorrow torn by clouds is
the voice of a distant place

My heart that had been
in a moon-blurred mirror that flowed
Those stars that trembled and spilled
cannot hide my tears

Isn't it beautiful?
If we could walk, hand in hand,
I'd want to go
to your town, your home, in your arms

My dream
of your face
that I softly touch
melts in the morning

2006-03-14T21:37:00.000+08:00

Hm...Went to the IT show in Suntec City last Saturday. Went there with my dad, with window shopping in mind. To my delight, I saw a video cam that is just selling for only $269. lol! What happens next? Buy la of coz! Where else can get such a cheap video cam? Though I have to admit, it isn’t really that good. It is only shooting at 30 frames per second, and that is quite disappointing. Also no optical zoom, only digital. But I am still happy. I can store MP3 songs, record TV programs, take pictures, take video, connect to the internet, send files via Bluetooth. Haha juz kidding, no Bluetooth, and I cant connect to the internet. Oh well, at least there’s sound, not like my digital camera. Whee... I love my new video cam!

2006-03-04T23:57:00.000+08:00

Science is theory, and technology is application. Which is more important? A bullet travels through the air at 1330 metres per second, enters a human body spinning via a parabolic pathway, creates a small entry wound, and exits the body, creating a hole that’s much larger than the hole it makes while entering the body. That is theory. The application? Bang, you are dead. Swift and direct. So tell me, which is more important? Theories or application? If you tell me theories are more important, you are crazy. But if you say applications are more important, well, you are still crazy. Both cannot live without the other. Because, in this universe, everything lives in opposites and are one with each other. Life and death, truth and lies, light and dark, student and a teacher, Love and Hate. All are one. Too bad, trick question. =)

2006-03-01T22:42:00.000+08:00

I came back from school with a heavy heart. Confusing thoughts ran through my mind. I donno wad to think anymore. Why does life like to make fun of me? At times when things seems to be looking up to me, life just grab my wings and send me crashing back down. Like I am cursed or something. wtf. Or maybe its not life. Maybe its juz me. Hell, what am I talking about? wtf. Think she is avoiding me. Haiz...sad case la... Anyway, couldn’t care less anymore... I have spent 18 years of my life alone, and I am used to it. No harm done. wtf. Gtg. *Drowning myself in sorrow*

2006-02-26T21:51:00.001+08:00

Ah, been too busy to blog these few days. Well, a little update. First of, went to see the eye specialist last Monday to check on my blurry vision. Couldn’t focus properly for the past few weeks. So yea, went to check, realized that I had strained both my eyes, because my eye degree WENT DOWN!!! Muahahaha! So happy. Left eye dropped about 50, while my right dropped about 150. =P Anyway, they prescribed a new spectacles, which I got it juz last Friday. And over this past week. Some goddamn bloody bastardy bacteria decided that my left eye-lid makes a nice home and set up a family there. Woke up on Tuesday morning, scared half to death because I thought a cockroach was sleeping on my left eye. Turns out it became swollen. Left it in this state, till yesterday, when it has gotten so big that people started thinking I got whacked by a golf club. Doc told me it was a bloody stye. Scared me too, coz he said it the bloody thing ripens(meaning the lump is filled with pus), he would have to poke it, and let all that pus and blood come out. O_O’’ No way I am gonna do that... Luckily, the doc said it hadn’t ripened, so he gave me antibiotics instead. *phew* Friggin bacteria... Anyway, I have maths test tomorrow. So yea... gtg